We last saw Phyllis and Chauncy narrowly escape an evil plum-bearing man with his no-dancing laws and his flappy purple plum skin. Now, they must work together and fish, weight-lift, dance, and run their way to safety. Plus a few other things the twins are awfully good at.

Chauncy had a best friend, Juan (HOO-AHN). He wasn’t the greatest friend… he was physically incapable of giving advice… he couldn’t play with Chauncy on the playground, he barely heard a word Chauncy said, and frankly, he injured things for a living. Oh yes. Juan. He was kind though. He never talked back, and always did what he was told. Oh yes, Juan. The Little Stapler That Could. One day at school, Chauncy was just walking down the hall, talking to Juan, when a big kid named Freddy knocked his binders out of his hands.
‘What are you talking to a stapler for? It ain’t gon’ talk back! You loser, you ain’t got no friends ‘cept your stupid stapler.’ Big Fat Freddy and his Big Fat Mouth. He shouldn’t have angered Juan.
All of a sudden, Juan lept out of Chauncy’s arms and began stapling Big Fat Freddy’s lips shut. No more Big Fat Insults.
Teachers began running at him from every which way. Phyllis emerged from an air duct in the ceiling and pulled him up. Why Phyllis was in the air duct I could not tell you. Perhaps she was in charge of maintenance? She was always rather handy, I think she was doing maintenance. Anyways, so Phyllis, Chauncy, and Blood-Soaked Juan scurried down the vent and ended up in the school yard. Glancing behind them they saw the Principal and some teachers chasing after them with meter sticks and angry faces. Their only hope was to run… to run like the wind. And so they ran, as fast as they could. They were excellent runners, as you know, so they managed to run all the way to Canada. They needed a big crowd of people and disguises… so they of course went to Canada’s Wonderland… the only place where you can wear a big purple hat and wave glow sticks without getting funny looks. Alright, well you might get some looks. So they bought their hats and their glow sticks and mixed in with the crowd. Soon enough the park was closing and they were rather cold and lonely as they sat in the barren parking lot of that magical place.
‘We can use the glow sticks to make a fire!’ Chauncy exclaimed. And so they did. How exactly, I couldn’t tell you. I’d like to think that they were trained with Wilderness Survival Tips. Perhaps in the Boy Scouts, or Girl Guides. Anyways, so they lit their glow stick fire and warmed themselves. They huddled together under their giant hats and waited for morning.
But morning never came.

No, I’m kidding. It came. However, they weren’t at Canada’s Wonderland anymore. They were in prison. That’s right. They woke up in a cell with four other people… one of whom was rather large and overly friendly, with wandering hands. Nice man though. Wandering Hand Man.  They needed a way to escape.
‘Here. Take these. You are young, and have your life in front of you. Take these and get out of here… but promise me one thing… come back for me.’ Wandering Hand Man offered up his nail clippers and the twins promised to return for him.  They jabbed the guards in the eyes with the clippers and made a break for the door. On their way out they grabbed supplies – a cell phone, food, a blanket, a musket, and a bottle of poison. Just in case. They put the supplies in a back pack and ran out the door. Chauncy knocked over a computer and it crashed to the floor. They knew the other guards would hear the commotion and come running, so they left in a flash.

They heard sirens in the distance and knew they needed to find cover. They ran into a tackle shop and grabbed whatever fishing gear they could. Their only hope was to get caught on a giant fish and be dragged away to safety. They ran to the waterfront and cast their lines into the ocean. All of a sudden, the Waterhorse appeared! You know, from that movie? The Water Horse? Anyways, so he shows up and swims them to safety. Or, what he though was safety. The Amazon Rainforest.

They walked carefully through the forest, musket and poison in hand, ready for any danger that may befall them. But none came. They emerged in Columbia only to be stopped by men with automatic weapons and angry faces. Phyllis, Chuancy, and Juan were taken to a holding room, where the Columbian Angry Face Men were drinking and laughing. They knew what they had to do to escape. They looked at each other and nodded. Phyllis started dancing. She danced hip-hop, popping and locking and twirling around the Columbian Angry Face Men. She moved into ballet, stretching and twisting and leaving these men in awe of her grace. Meanwhile, Chauncy was putting poison in their drinks. Phyllis danced and danced… danced like she was auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance. They watched her and drank, and laughed. All of a sudden they all dropped to the floor.
“YES! Good job Phyllis!” Chauncy exclaimed. They ran around the room trying to find a way out, but there was none. Chauncy got ready. He gathered up all of his strength and might and ran right at the solid cement wall. It shattered and they ran as fast as they could for safety. The building began to collapse, chasing after them. They narrowly escaped and ended up in the middle of a drug war. That’s right. Columbians protecting their fields, FBI agents trying to put them all away. Phyllis and Chauncy ran through the war, dodging gunshots. They were excellent dodgers. I think they used to play Dodgeball professionally. I’m not sure though. Anyways, they dodged and dodged and tried to run for freedom in the helicopter of the FBI Agents. All of a sudden, Chauncy was snatched up by a Columbian man, attempting to hold him hostage. There was only one way out of this mess. The Musket. Phyllis grabbed the musket out of her pack and shot one bullet. Of course, this musket had no accuracy but Phyllis was a great shot. It hit the man directly between the eyes, and he fell to the ground, releasing Chauncy.

They ran to safety in the helicopter and were returned home. Their records were cleared, as Phyllis had unknowingly murdered the Columbian Drug Lord.
Just another world, saved by Phyllis and Chauncy, and the Little Stapler that Could. Well, not really. He didn’t do much. But, Phyllis and Chauncy sure did.

This is the column that I wrote and I thought I’d share it.  

            Has everyone lost their faith in humanity? Does everyone seem to believe that the rest of the people in the world are out to get them? Come on, open your eyes. I’m sorry that someone bumped into you without apologizing, but that doesn’t mean that everyone you meet will do the same. When did it become wrong for someone to simply try to help another?
            Last Christmas, I was working at KFC. You always hear stories from people who work in customer service about angry customers who aren’t always right. Let’s see what you make of this. There are three main people in this story, let’s call them Bob, Fred, and Nancy. So Bob came into the store, looking cold, hungry, and wet. Fred walked in behind him dressed in a business suit and a nice leather jacket and patiently waited his turn. Bob then told me that he only had $10.00 and had a wife and two kids to feed at home. Then Nancy walked in and stood behind Fred, waiting. I told Bob what he could get for $10.00. Bob hung his head, and was about to buy whatever he could, when Fred walked forward, laid $40.00 on the table and asked me to serve Bob a Family Feast.
             We rarely ever hear stories like this. Does that mean that this doesn’t happen? Not at all. These random acts of kindness happen all the time, everywhere we go. So, why is it that we don’t hear of them? I guess for some, it’s hard to believe that some people actually care about strangers.
              Bob started crying. He thanked Fred from the bottom of his heart and hugged him. Nancy couldn’t handle it. She walked to the counter and told us that we shouldn’t accept the money because Bob wasn’t the one who paid for the food.         
             Let’s stop right there. What the hell, Nancy. How is it wrong for Fred to give Bob enough money to feed his family?  I’m sick and tired of this. Something is seriously wrong when one man can’t help another.
            So to appease Nancy, Fred tells Bob that he’s loaning him the money, and that Bob can pay him back. Way to go, Nancy. You just put a poor man with a family in debt. Hope you’re happy, sweetheart.
             Let’s put Bob, Nancy, and Fred aside. Did we learn nothing from ‘Pay It Forward?’ Or are we just living in a world where rudeness, anger, selfishness, and narcissism are social norms?
            Hey, if they’re not in your circle of friends, or they’re not family, they don’t deserve your time, money, or love, right? WRONG. Have a heart. All this world really needs is a few more people who are fully prepared to love. So maybe it means you have to shell out an extra five bucks for the woman in front of you. Perhaps you have to sacrifice your spot in line for someone who is in a hurry. Jeez, maybe you’ll even have to go as far as smile at a stranger. I know it’s difficult, but you can do it!
            As for humanity? I haven’t lost my faith in it yet. We’re on the right track. Maybe it’s as simple as being positive. Having hope that not everyone is as bad as we think. Belief that the person in front of you short of change isn’t going to pull a gun on you if you try to help them out.