11.23.07
The Adventures of Phyllis and Chauncy
She quickly ran up the winding steps to the top of the tower in the plum factory. With great effort she attempted to dodge the plums being hurled at her from the top of the tower. With little success, she found herself covered in juices and flappy purple plum skin. She made her way to the top of the tower and tripped over the last step. She lied flat on her stomach, gazing at the feet of the tall plum throwing man in front of her.
Let me tell you how Phyllis ended up covered in juices and flappy purple plum skin at the top of a plum factory tower.
Phyllis was only 12-years-old, with a lot of life waiting for her. She grew up in an orphanage with her brother, Chauncy. They weren’t the happiest children they could be, but they were enthusiastic and optimistic. When their orphanage was terrorized and burned down by a herd of wild disease infested Nigerian cows, they decided to go on an adventure unlike any other.
They left their ruined, rampaged orphanage in Kentucky and ran away. They ran all the way to Alaska. Don’t ask me how two twelve-year-olds could run all the way to Alaska, perhaps they were runners, worthy of Olympic gold medals. Whether this is true or not I do not know. I’ll let you make the decision.
Anyways, Phyllis and Chauncy (runners or not) arrived in Alaska hungry and cold.
“What are we to do, Chauncy? I’m freezing cold and awfully hungry.” Phyllis said, with pleading eyes gazing at her twin brother.
“I know. I have an idea. We can skin a polar bear and wear the skin. It will keep us warm.” Chauncy said. Phyllis’ eyes lit up and she smiled at her brother. They dug in the snow to try and find tools to skin the polar bear with. They came across three stainless steel knives. They ran at the polar bear with courage and strength, tackling it down and quickly removing its skin. How two twelve-year-olds managed to tackle and skin a polar bear is beyond me. Perhaps they are professional weight lifters. Who knows.
Once they were warm Phyllis came up with the incredible idea to go ice fishing. They cut a hole in the ice with their knives and made a fishing rod out of the polar bears bones. They fished and fished and managed to catch eight blue salmon. Blue salmon, that’s right. I think the twins were excellent fishers.
They ate their salmon and huddled under their polar bear coat. They were getting very tired of Alaska, and very quickly. All of a sudden, three eskimos ran out at them with spears, yelling “Oooka lambi chachi ko mola!!” Over and over and over again. Loosly translated, that means “Don’t skin our polar bears you devil children.” So Phyllis and Chauncy ran and ran and managed to escape the crazy spear-wielding eskimos. They ran so far and for so long. They didn’t stop running until they found themselves in Kansas.
“Do you think we’ve lost them?” Chauncy asked.
“I think so.”Phyllis replied.
They were quite tired so they ran to the nearest building – the Kansas Plum Factory. When they walked in, a song was playing over the loudspeaker - ”In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“I love this song.” Chauncy said. They began to dance. THey danced their hearts out, switching from hip-hop to freestyle, from ballet to tap. They were amazing dancers. I like to think that they danced for music stars in videos.
“Hey! You kids!! What are you doing in here? There’s a rule in here… no dancing allowed!” A large burly man screamed at them. He chased them into a corner and grabbed Chauncy, dragging him away.
“Where are you taking him!?” Phyllis screamed.
“TO THE TOWER! HE WILL BE BEATEN WITH A COMPUTER MOUSE AND THROWN OUT THE WINDOW> SAVE HIM IF YOU CAN, LITTLE GIRL!!” The man screamed and ran away.
Phyllis started balling. What was she to do? All of a sudden she realized that she had to save him. Chauncy was her brother and they were together forever. She needed her brother. She followed the man and chased him all the way up the tower after her brother. Well, you know the story.
So Phyllis was lying staring at the mans feet. She saw the computer mouse in the corner of her eye, lying close to her right hand. She lunged for it and wrapped it around the mans neck. She grabbed her brother and ran away from the plum factory. She was so happy she had saved him.
The alarm clock rang and Phyllis woke up in her orphanage bed, beside the other orphaned kids. She sighed. Another day… it was just a dream.
11.15.07
Take Your Hand Off The Trigger, Love A Little
This is the column that I wrote and I thought I’d share it. 
Has everyone lost their faith in humanity? Does everyone seem to believe that the rest of the people in the world are out to get them? Come on, open your eyes. I’m sorry that someone bumped into you without apologizing, but that doesn’t mean that everyone you meet will do the same. When did it become wrong for someone to simply try to help another?
Last Christmas, I was working at KFC. You always hear stories from people who work in customer service about angry customers who aren’t always right. Let’s see what you make of this. There are three main people in this story, let’s call them Bob, Fred, and Nancy. So Bob came into the store, looking cold, hungry, and wet. Fred walked in behind him dressed in a business suit and a nice leather jacket and patiently waited his turn. Bob then told me that he only had $10.00 and had a wife and two kids to feed at home. Then Nancy walked in and stood behind Fred, waiting. I told Bob what he could get for $10.00. Bob hung his head, and was about to buy whatever he could, when Fred walked forward, laid $40.00 on the table and asked me to serve Bob a Family Feast.
We rarely ever hear stories like this. Does that mean that this doesn’t happen? Not at all. These random acts of kindness happen all the time, everywhere we go. So, why is it that we don’t hear of them? I guess for some, it’s hard to believe that some people actually care about strangers.
Bob started crying. He thanked Fred from the bottom of his heart and hugged him. Nancy couldn’t handle it. She walked to the counter and told us that we shouldn’t accept the money because Bob wasn’t the one who paid for the food.
Let’s stop right there. What the hell, Nancy. How is it wrong for Fred to give Bob enough money to feed his family? I’m sick and tired of this. Something is seriously wrong when one man can’t help another.
So to appease Nancy, Fred tells Bob that he’s loaning him the money, and that Bob can pay him back. Way to go, Nancy. You just put a poor man with a family in debt. Hope you’re happy, sweetheart.
Let’s put Bob, Nancy, and Fred aside. Did we learn nothing from ‘Pay It Forward?’ Or are we just living in a world where rudeness, anger, selfishness, and narcissism are social norms?
Hey, if they’re not in your circle of friends, or they’re not family, they don’t deserve your time, money, or love, right? WRONG. Have a heart. All this world really needs is a few more people who are fully prepared to love. So maybe it means you have to shell out an extra five bucks for the woman in front of you. Perhaps you have to sacrifice your spot in line for someone who is in a hurry. Jeez, maybe you’ll even have to go as far as smile at a stranger. I know it’s difficult, but you can do it!
As for humanity? I haven’t lost my faith in it yet. We’re on the right track. Maybe it’s as simple as being positive. Having hope that not everyone is as bad as we think. Belief that the person in front of you short of change isn’t going to pull a gun on you if you try to help them out.
